My inner hero

First off: I would like to remind my beloved readers that my prices are going up on April 11th! So if you’ve been thinking of booking a session (or several) this coming week is your opportunity to do that at the current price. (I’ve just spent the last five minutes trying to phrase that in a way that didn’t say, ‘OMG BUY NOW OR DOOM’ :) )

I just had the most stunning session – my second time with the same client, and she said I’d made a huge difference to her life. I was amazed at all the changes she’d experienced just from one session with me. How about accidentally getting over lifelong chronic lateness as an unexpected side effect? (Hmm, if I can do that for someone else, maybe I can do it for myself…;)

This session went really deep and got resolved really quickly, 1 hour 10 mins for the whole session including quite a long chat at the start about what was up. I’m on such a high right now.

This is really reminding me of why I do what I do. Lately, because I’m preoccupied with an upcoming house move and all the money stuff around that, I’ve fallen into thinking that I do this work for money. NOT NOT NOT! I do this to help all the brilliant, beautiful souls around me and to help the world change for the better. Glorious feeling!! And I really need to talk to my own monsters and headpeople more too. Seeing the effect on others reminds me how much it can help me.

Last night Andy advised me to talk to my inner hero on the blog, on the basis that I might find out some interesting things. So I’ll try doing that now. :)

Me: Hello?

(Blaze of light. KA-CHING! of Audible Sharpness. A dazzling star of light running down from point to hilt of a blade held skywards. When the dazzle clears, I’m kind of expecting to see Luke Skywalker in full-on poster boy mode. Or some amazing anime heroine like Utena or Oscar. Instead (is anyone surprised?) it’s just me. Jeans, t-shirt, messy hair. And where’s the sword gone?)

Me: Oh. You’re me.

Inner Hero: Well, don’t sound disappointed!

Me: I do feel a bit disappointed. I wanted to see some visible evidence that my inner hero is, you know, heroic.

Inner Hero: What would that look like to you?

Me: A bright sword. Burning blue eyes. Not necessarily a lot of muscle (I mean, look at Frodo) but a lot of heroic bearing. Intensity. Being visibly full of light and power. And preferably a heroic outfit too. Maybe shining armour or a spiffy military uniform with lots of gold braid.

Inner Hero: Armour? Military uniform? Wars do not make one great. You win by refusing to fight, remember?

Me: Yeah, but – I mean, Luke won by refusing to fight, but he still has his lightsaber. I mean, a sword made of light. The absolute symbol of pure goodness and power. Magical, miraculous power for good. You know?

Inner Hero: You’ve got a lightsaber.

Me: Yeah, a toy one.

Inner Hero: Oh come on. That’s a ‘toy’ like your parrot-headed umbrella is a ‘toy’. It’s an incredibly powerful talisman that is actually linked to your soul and therefore actually magical. Would you rather have a weapon you could kill people with?

Me: Well, no.

Inner Hero: Playfulness is a more important value to you than killing. Actually, violence is way down at the bottom of your value list and playfulness is way up at the top. And so is the reality of imaginary things. The power of imaginary things. I mean, look at what you do for a living! Trust me, the perfect blade for you is a toy one. Something that’ll always be a little bit funny. And at the same time, when you hold it, you make a face like THIS.

Me with a lightsaber

Me: Oh. Yeah. That is you.

Inner Hero: Burning blue eyes? Check. Heroic bearing? Check. Intensity? Check. Being visibly full of light and power? CHECK CHECK CHECK.

Me: Oh, but now I’m having all the I’m-not-worthy.

Inner Hero: Every hero has all the I’m-not-worthy!

Me: Really?

Inner Hero: Well, most of them. At some point. It’s a perfectly normal response to having an epic mission!

Me: Everybody has an epic mission. I mean, everybody’s life is their own epic mission. Everyone is the hero of their own hero’s journey.

Inner Hero: Yes, but right now we’re talking about you, not making excuses about why you’re not special.

Me: Everyone is special!

Inner Hero: Yes. Including you.

Me: Okay, so how do I connect with you more? What’s the secret?

Inner Hero: Well, it’s something you’re very good at. Believe in me.

Me: What?

Inner Hero: Play at being me. Imagine being me. You know imaginary things are real, right?

Me: Oh. Yes. Like the Sun says in the Mary Poppins books. To think a thing is to make it true. And so, if Michael thought he had the Moon in his arms -

Inner Hero: - why then, he had indeed. You thought you had a lightsaber in your hands. And look what happened.

Me: Wow. Yes. I can see that.

Inner Hero: You know what the funny part is?

Me: That I’m holding a piece of movie merchandise like it could cut steel?

Inner Hero: Okay, the other funny part. The really funny part is this. The only thing that’s really imaginary here is that you’re NOT me.

Me: What?

Inner Hero: You’ve been imagining that you’re not me. Playing a very elaborate game of make-believe and let’s-pretend that consumed your entire life. You’re really good at that. So good that you actually believed your own fantasy. You became the character.

Me: So the me who isn’t you is imaginary?

Inner Hero: Precisely! You not being a hero? Fantasy! You being unheroic? Nonsense! You having anything less than infinite light and power? That’s just a story you tell yourself! You’re making it up!

Me: Wow…

Inner Hero: So the funny thing is… you’re a hero pretending to be a non-hero pretending to be a hero!

Me: Oh, but that’s also really sad. Like, imagine if the greatest knight in the world had lost his memory and was just playing in the dirt like a child, forgetting who he was. And imagine if he picked up a stick and held it like a sword. I mean, really like a sword. You’d want to cry, wouldn’t you?

Inner Hero: Laugh or cry! Your choice.

Me: I’ll laugh.

Inner Hero: That’s me talking!

Gobstopper Penguin Pretty Much Monstertalks Himself

Gobstopper Penguin is my ‘Rest is Weak and Selfish’ monster. The ‘gobstopper’ came about because he has many layers of hard. And then the word ‘gobstopper’ reminded me of ‘rockhopper’, as in rockhopper penguin, and thus Gobstopper Penguin was born. (Art by R. Taylor.)

Recently, I had this chat with him.

Me: Remember when I showed you that you don’t need to protect me from thinking I suck any more, because my ‘You’re Disgusting and Deserve to be Obliterated’ monster turned into an awesome dragon called ‘You’re Amazing and Deserve to be Safe Forever’?

Gobstopper Penguin: Yes, but. It’s just that in this particular situation, people are suffering right now because of what you’ve done. People are going without because you owe them money. And because you’re taking so long to clear your room, your housemate is no doubt really worried that she won’t have time to find a new housemate.

Me: I understand that. I truly regret how I’ve approached things in the past, and I want to make things easier for those people as soon as possible. And the best way for me to do this is with regular rest and play. I get more done that way, and that’s the point here. The point is not for me to suffer. They don’t want that. Or if they do, that’s their stuff.

Gobstopper Penguin: Yes, but I just fail to see how you can even dare to think about your wants and needs at a time like this.

Me: It sounds like you’re really, really worried about me being in a situation where people might be angry with me, or I might feel guilt and shame towards them, and you want to get me out of that situation as soon as possible.

Gobstopper Penguin: Of course! I can’t stand for you to be in that kind of pain!

Me: Okay, I really appreciate that you care. Thank you. Let’s look at it like training an athlete – or since we’re in that kind of headspace at the moment, when Yoda was training Luke, I bet he gave him enough time to rest and sleep! And the future of the galaxy was at stake there!

Gobstopper Penguin: Actually, it must have been really hard for Luke to sleep in that mud hut with all those snakes and bugs everywhere, and the air being so humid after he grew up in a desert…

Me: That was very… specific. Gobstopper Penguin, do you have a crush on Luke too?!

Gobstopper Penguin: (small trilling purr)

Me: You’re a male penguin!

Gobstopper Penguin: Are you being homophobic towards penguins?!

Me: No. No, you’re quite right. You are totally allowed to have a crush on Luke. He’d probably think you were adorable.

Gobstopper Penguin: He’d probably tell me that fear leads to anger, anger leads to hate, and hate leads to suffering.

Me: Wow. Yes, that was really insightful. Well done! So how can we apply this to our current situation?

Gobstopper Penguin: Um… I’m afraid of you being in pain because of guilt and shame and other people’s anger. So I get angry at you for resting. And then you hate yourself and get stuck and suffer.

Me: Yeah, that’s exactly right!

Gobstopper Penguin: (tearing up) I’m sorry!

Me: It’s okay! It’s okay. Mistakes made out of love are the best kind. (hugs him) Let’s just think about how to make this better.

Gobstopper Penguin: Can I shorten my name like that other monster did?

Me: You mean -

Gobstopper Penguin: Instead of ‘Rest is Weak and Selfish’ can I just be ‘Rest’?

Me: AAAHHH I LOVE YOU (cries)

Gobstopper Penguin: (adorable penguin noises and beak nuzzling)

Me: I’ll probably still call you Gobstopper Penguin because it’s just so cute.

Gobstopper Penguin: Sure, just like you call Dragon Dragon. But her underlying name is the opposite of what it was, and so’s mine. I wonder if all monsters are really the opposites of themselves?

Me: I wonder if they are. People too, perhaps. Perhaps my real name is not ‘Procrastination’ but ‘Doing Lots of Awesome Stuff’.

Gobstopper Penguin: Yeah!!!

Me: Are you sure about this? I’m feeling like there’s still some residual fear there. Is there anything I can do to create safety when you’re worried about me feeling guilty and stuff?

Gobstopper Penguin: Rest! You don’t feel so upset when you’re not tired. And have a talk to yourself about sovereignty and whose stuff is whose. And being allowed to be where you are. And all of that good stuff that you’ve learned. And remind me if I forget, okay?

Me: Okay! You’re the best! Really, you’re stunningly articulate. Where did all that come from?

Gobstopper Penguin: You.

Me: Awww :) Thank you.