Bill (not his real name) suggested I post this little talk with his Loneliness Monster, who turned out to be more of a sad scared self. (Please note that I will NEVER blog your monsters unless YOU suggest it!)
Again, this one pretty much monstertalked himself… (I promise my job isn’t always this easy!)
Loneliness: lonelylonely lonely
me: oh, love
I know, it’s so hard
so much love to you
Loneliness: I don’t want love, I can’t trust it
me: okay, of course I’m not going to send you love if you feel uncomfortable with it
can you tell me why you can’t trust it?
Loneliness: because it goes away
me: oh :/ oh, I see
Loneliness: (note from Bill, this must be a big thing , I keep coming up with all sorts of other things to talk about and think about)
so have you had love go away in the past?
Loneliness: I really don’t like it when people pay attention to me
I’d much rather distract you both
me: I get it
Loneliness: wow, Bill is deducing things
I think he’s actually right
what I’m calling love, isn’t love, it’s actually attention, being in focus
me: ohh, I see
Loneliness: more specifically, being held in positive focus
me: and why do you feel uncomfortable with that?
Loneliness: because it’s transient, and then I miss it when it’s gone
because I feel unloved
me: oh, that’s totally legitimate, I can see that that must be really painful
Loneliness: yes, it is but it’s pain that comes from cross wiring
me: what do you mean?
Loneliness: well, it’s not really that they don’t love me
it’s just that they’re not focusing on me in a positive way at that moment
me: no, it’s not they just happen to – exactly
Loneliness: of course, it may be that they never did love me
and I’m sure in some cases that that’s true
but not all of them, and probably not most of the ones that are important
Loneliness: okay, you can love me now
me: hooray! lots of love coming over
I hope you got that
Loneliness: wow, that feels quite different
me: does it?
Loneliness: yes, much softer, but it was much deeper
IS much deeper than what I experienced before when what I was paying attention to was attention
me: ohhh – that makes sense
so when you stop paying attention to the attention, you’re able to – love the love?
Loneliness: and this explains a lot for Bill
about why he’s always feeling like he wants someone to talk to
me: because he’s been mistaking attention for love
not mistaking, at least not at a conscious level
but at my level deep inside, yes
me: I understand the difference
Loneliness: we are also noticing that even though this conversation feels easy, and I was able to understand what’s been happening without the use of a sledgehammer
it’s still very significant, and important
me: I agree, it really is
Loneliness: this pattern underlies so much
me: like what?
Loneliness: and we can feel the giant shift
Loneliness: what mostly Bill being uncomfortable with being alone
Loneliness: and feeling like he needs attention from the people around him
me: which is a hard situation for an HSP who actually needs downtime
although we’re still not quite sure how that fits in
me: well, socialising can lead to HSP overwhelm, and it sucks if it’s a choice between overwhelm and loneliness (may be projecting a bit here, I think I have one like you too, so this is helpful for me as well!)
Loneliness: no, I don’t think you are projecting
Loneliness: or, maybe you are, but you’re also right
me: good to know!!
Loneliness: thank you
me: you’re welcome!
Loneliness: I think I’m going to go play now
I believe we’ve done what we needed to with me
me: have a wonderful time, it’s been great talking to you
and I believe you’re right!